Ultimate Medicine Cat
by Typholius
Summary: Making fun of everything medicine cat related. Not at all in a serious format, but we'll see where it goes. Peace
1. Where shall we begin?

**I'm trying something new. Jayfeather will probably insult every single cat in the story so no flames please. I know tons of scrubs try this kind of writing, but I'm a master scrub. Expect epic craziness.**

**:3 Erin Hunter owns Warriors.**

**_Allegiances(sort of...)_**

ThunderClan

_Goosefeather_- Gray tom. (dead and everything he says sounds like goblty gook. Nigel Thornberry comes to mind)

_Featherwhisker_- Gray she cat. (dead, and has wings growing out of her back so she can fly around)

_Cinderpelt_- Gray she cat. (dead, but has an identical twin still living in ThunderClan. They share a magical bond)

_Yellowfang_- scruffy black she dog. (dead and sometimes has this desire to chase cats)

_Leafpool_- Brown tabby she cat. (not quite dead yet, but is secretly trying to murder Jayfeather so she can be medicine cat again)

_Jayfeather_- Blind gray tom with blue eyes (practically omnipotent while dreaming)

ShadowClan

_Sagewhisker_- White she cat (a very forgetful dead cat. Pshhh! I can't even remember anything about her)

_Runningnose_- Light ginger tom, I think? Can't really remember. (also dead. By the end of the story, will have given all the other medicine cats green cough)

_Littlecloud_- Black and white tom. (has a really annoying squeaky voice)

_Flametail_- Ginger tom. (Dead. Has anger issues and sometimes his tail catches fire. Sort of like a charmander...)

WindClan

_Barkface_- Can't remember anything about him. Probably brown furred. (dead cat. Got lost on his way to StarClan and nobody can seem to find him)

_Kestrelflight_- Brownish gray tom with white speckles (has this thing for Jayfeather...)

RiverClan

_Mudfur_- Brown tom. (dead cat who smells really bad)

_Mothwing_- Light ginger she cat. (doesn't belive in StarClan so is physically super strong. Can throw trees and stuff)

_Willowshine_- Gray she cat (Jayfeather's archenemy)

SkyClan

_Echosong_- Silver tabby she cat. (haven't thought of anything clever for her yet)

* * *

"Jayfeather, what are you talking about?" mewed Mothwing uncertainly as they padded up the rocks toward the moon pool. "A competition of the medicine cats?"

A huge mischievous grin split across the ThunderClan medicine cat's face. Having the power of the stars in your paws and being bored at the same time was a dangerous combination. "Yeah. Get all the medicine cats together and see who is the best." His blind eyes narrowed at her. "It's going to be in StarClan so I'm afraid you can't come. You're dumb."

"Don't you insult my mentor," snarled Willowshine, stepping up to the tom. "Or I'll claw your smug little face off."

Jayfeather backed away from the spitting she cat nervously. "But I like my smug little face."

Mothwing stepped between the two young cats. "Enough, Willowshine, or I will sneak a ton of poppy seed into your food. Its half moon, try to show a wee bit of respect."

The RiverClan cat cried in frustration. "I'm being disrespectful? Jayfeather is the one calling names!"

Jayfeather couldn't help but purr. Listening to other cats having temper tantrums always amused him so. He couldn't imagine ever living with Willowshine, she was just too loud and bothersome.

"What are you laughing at?" Willowshine snarled.

"You."

"We'll see whose laughing when you have a dead mouse shoved in your-"

"Willowshine!" There was a thump and suddenly, the young medicine cat wasn't there anymore.

Jayfeather listened as Willowshine flew through the air above him, flying up the rocks until she plopped down at the top.

He could feel Mothwing's breath in his ears. "Your next if you don't brighten up."

Jayfeather tried to hold a serious face. "Of course. Wouldn't dream of doing something that might upset you." Secretly, he knew he was lying. He would dream about it as much as he could.

And speaking of dreams, it brought the conversation back to the beginning. "You really should reconsider believing in StarClan," he mewed carefully. "There are alot of perks."

Mothwing just sighed. "No. Come on, the other medicine cats should be waiting for us." _You ungrateful piece of_-

"You do know I can read your mind, right?" he interrupted her thoughts. "That's a perk of believing in StarClan." The next thing he knew, he was flying through the air.

"Ah you made it," purred Kestrelflight, the WindClan medicine cat, as Jayfeather landed face first on the cold hard rocks. "I was hoping you'd get here on time. I haven't seen you since the last half moon meeting."

Jayfeather groaned and staggered clumsily to his paws. His muzzle hurt. "That's because we're from different Clans, mouse brain, and we're not supposed to cross borders."

He could feel the WindClan tom's breath in his ear. "Wouldn't it be nice if we were in the same Clan? We could share the same medicine cats den."

Jayfeather smacked him across the face. "That would be horrible!"

"Well, before we touch noses with the moon pool," squeaked Littlecloud. "I think we should share news of what happened during the battle against the Dark Farts. This is our first medicine cat gathering since the farts attacked."

Jayfeather tilted his head in interest. He had been curious what the other Clans had done when the Furious-Army-Rallied by-Tigerstar's-Speeches attacked their camps. "You should go first, Littlecloud, since you have the most annoying voice after Willowshine's."

The she cat let out a sinister growl, but he did his best to ignore it.

"Well," the ShadowClan squeaked. Jayfeather had almost forgotten that the squeaky tom started every sentence with 'well'. "My dead apprentice, Flametail, showed up and some cat called him a cowardly piece of fox dung. So he set all the farts on fire with his tail. ShadowClan didn't lose a single cat."

Jayfeather sighed. What a boring story. "How about you, Willowshine, what happened to your fishy Clan."

Willowshine took a deep breath, trying to hold back her rage. "Hardly any of the farts could get past the river on our border, and the ones that didn't drown, Mothwing sat on until they gave up."

"You telling them about my amazing feats of bravery?" called Mothwing as she finally made it up to the moon pool. "I couldn't save every cat, though. We lost our elder, Heavystep."

"Well, I thought Heavystep had already died twice of sickness," questioned Littlecloud, squeakily as ever.

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. He had no interest in elders. "My turn." He sat himself up to his full height. "Tigerstar and Brokenstar invaded our camp and Firestar was the first to die. Brambleclaw turned evil and plotted with his half brother, Hawkfrost, to attack the nursery, but was stopped by my sister Hollyleaf. My best friend, Brightheart, stopped some farts from throwing Purdy from the ledge above the camp, and I coated my claws in death berry juice and fought the rest off all by myself."

He was met by stunned silence.

"Well, are you serious?"

Jayfeather sighed sadly. "No. None of that happened. My brother, Lionblaze killed all of the farts by himself. He has the power of the stars in his paws, so there really wasn't much Tigerstar could do."

There was a quiet snicker from Willowshine.

Kestrelflight cleared his throat. "I guess I'm the last one." He took a deep breath. "We were unprepared for the attack and WindClan was completely wiped out. I'm the only survivor because I was out picking berries."

Jayfeather's jaw dropped. "Now THAT was a good story. I could do without the part where you survive, but other than that, it was really good."

**I absoulutely will not continue this story without feedback. Just so you know.**

**Review if you like it... also review if you don't like it. **

**TOODLES**


	2. Introductions are in Order

**Another addition to the wacky world of Warrior cats. I can't wait to delve deeper into the lives of some of these kitties, Goosefeather especially. This is still a young story so give it time to expand.**

**If I told you I owned Warriors, would I be lying?**

"Wait, so all of WindClan is dead apart from you? That would explain why the WindClan scent markers haven't been renewed in a while." Jayfeather couldn't believe it; it was too good to be true. "I can't wait to tell Leafpool."

"What's wrong with you?!" snarled Willowshine, smacking him in the face with a paw. "That's terrible news. Poor Kestrelflight doesn't have a Clan anymore."

Jayfeather recoiled, rubbing his sore muzzle. "Nose goes. There's no way he's moving into _my_ Clan." He narrowed his eyes in the she cat's general direction. "You can take Kestrelflight since you seem to care so much about him."

"Well, I think Kestrelflight should decide if he wants to join another Clan," squeaked Littlecloud. "What do you think, Mothwing?"

"What? Sorry, I was thinking about my amazing feats of bravery. That Mapleshade character thought she was so clever, but I put her in her place."

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter who takes Kestrelflight, as long as it's not ThunderClan. Come on, we're going to miss moon-high." He padded to the moon pool, touched his nose to the icy surface, and closed his eyes. _StarClan is in for a surprise_.

When he opened them, he was in StarClan's hunting grounds.

"Greetings, Jayfeather." It was Leafpool. "I caught you a mouse and filled it with delicious red berries. Here, have a bite."

"Leafpool? What are you doing in StarClan?" Jayfeather eyed his mother and previous mentor. "Did you die of some exotic disease after I left the camp?"

Leafpool purred sweetly and shook her head. "Nah, I'm still in the ThunderClan camp. I really enjoy my warriors duties but I wanted to say hi. Seriously, have some of this mouse. It's not poisoned or anything."

Jayfeather waved his tail dismissively. "Sorry, i must gather up all the other medicine cats. We're going to have a competition." He closed his eyes and concentrated.

*pop*

"How did I get here?"

Jayfeather opened one eye to make sure it had worked. "Eureka! Hey, Cinderpelt! How's it going?" He closed his eyes again, imagining all of the medicine cats he knew.

_*pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop*_

"Um, Jayfeather, what did you just do?"

He opened his eyes. Around him were about a dozen different cats, the three he had just seen at the moon pool were included. He let his gaze sweep between them, making sure they were all here. "Greetings, everybody. I gathered you all here so we can find out who is best medicine cat!"

There was a confused murmur from the surrounding cats. Obviously none of them had been expecting him to summon them like this.

He looked around again, some of the face were missing. "Where's Sagewhisker?" Sagewhisker had been the medicine cat before Yellowfang. "And where is Yellowfang?!"

Flametail, the young ShadowClan medicine cat stood up. "Sagewhisker died of green-cough moons ago."

Runningnose, the constantly sniffling ShadowClan cat sneezed and got to his paws. "My bad."

Jayfeather sighed in frustration. He couldn't be having his medicine cats dying before the competition. "Where is Yellowfang? Did she die too?" He secretly hoped so.

There was more murmuring among the cats. Featherwhisker, the ThunderClan cat with wings growing out of her back hovered just a tail-length above the ground. "Yellowfang should still be around."

Jayfeather closed his eyes again, picturing the grumpy old cat.

*_poot_*

A large black-furred dog appeared before him, fast asleep, a bubble of snot growing on its nose as it snored.

"Ah, just how I pictured her."

There was a couple of startled yelps as the closest cats to the dog scurried back.

With Yellowfang present, Jayfeather couldn't think of anything else that was stopping him from starting the event.

*_pop_*

A stump appeared before him and he leaped on top so he could address the gathered cats. "You are probably wondering why I summoned you all here today," he called, silencing the chatter. "It's because I was bored."

Cinderpelt took a step towards the stump, her blue eyes glaring angrily up at him. "You can't do this, Jayfeather. It's wrong."

He flicked his tail dismissively. "I can do whatever I want while I'm dreaming. I have the power of the stars in my paws." He winked mischievously at her. "One day, I would be so powerful, I would command even StarClan? Well I decided to do that today. And the faster we go through this, the faster you all can go about your normal boring lives."

There was some angry whispers, but no other cat challenged him. "Good. Now, first things first, this challenge will be to see who knows the most about herbs, who works best under pressure, and who is the best with their claws."

"Mudfur, the terribly smelly WindClan cat stood up. "Best with our claws? That's not what medicine cats are good at."

Jayfeather waved his tail nonchalantly through the air. "To me, it is. And since I'm running this activity, you will obey."

The brown tom took a seat with the others.

"Now, when I call on you, I want you to state what you think your advantages are and what you are good at. We'll start with the living. Willowshine!"

The angry little she cat stood up, her eyes blazing with hatred for him. "I'm good at binding broken bones and braking the bones of annoying gray toms."

"That's it?" He was not impressed. "Next! Littlecloud, what are you good at?"

"Well, I make a wicked good poultice of water hemlock and nightshade," he squeaked.

Some of the other medicine cats gave him a shocked look. "Water hemlock and nightshade are poisonous..."

"Well, I'm part of ShadowClan. Every cat knows that ShadowClan is evil."

Jayfeather nodded his head approvingly. That could come in handy. "Kestrelflight, what makes you useful?"

"I give really good back rubs and I can spell my name backwards." He squeezed his eyes shut in concentration. " A-"

"Next!

The Yellowfang dog gave a snort in its sleep and rolled over, Goosefeather jumping out of the way so he wouldn't be squashed.

"Cinderpelt, what are your talents?"

"I don't know if you could call it a talent," the gray she cat started. "I have this twin, Cinderheart, still living in ThunderClan. That sound's great, right, but there is a catch. Whenever she gets hurt, I feel hurt. Whenever she makes dirt I-"

"NEXT!" Jayfeather rolled his eyes. Seriously? These cats were all mouse brains! "Featherwhisker, you're up next."

The winged she cat flew up into the air. "I can fly! WEEEeeeeeee! Also, I used to be a tom! Pshhh, Featherwhisker isn't a masculine name at all."

"The ability to fly, hmm? That's legit." Jayfeather looked around for the next cat. "Runningnose, what makes you special?"

"I have green cough." The ginger tom wheezed, sneezing all over Mudfur who was sitting beside him. "Sorry, my bad."

"Interesting. Mudfur, what makes you special?" Jayfeather mewed to the brown smelly tom. "Apart from the fact that you smell really bad," he added quickly.

"Mudfur opened his mouth, but closed it again. "Um..."

Jayfeather didn't have time to wait on the old WindClan scrub. "Leafpool, I'm not quite sure how you got here, but you've been patient so you can go next." He dipped his head to his mother. He knew she had nothing but love to give to him. There wasn't a single nasty bone in her body.

Leafpool purred. "Thank you, Jayfeather. My talents are in healing. I had an amazing mentor in Cinderpelt," she dipped her head the gray she cat who looked like she was trying her best to hold in dirt. "And I have a deep connection with my sister, Squirrelflight. Also, I'm not at all trying to murder you and become medicine cat of ThunderClan."

Jayfeather dipped his head respectfully to his mother. "That is great! I think you might actually have a chance at winning this competition." He turned to the last cat, the odd-ball Goosefeather. "Okay, Goosefeather. What are your talents?"

"Glarba brarga blarba. _Smashing_!"

**Review for more! This story isn't going to be more than a few chapters, but it will be a blast while it lasts... hopefully**

**TOODLES**


	3. Yellowfang

**Oopsy, this chapter is a little gorier than I thought it would be. Meh, it was still fun. Thanks to everyone who is reviewing. It's the only reason I'm continuing. My other big Jayfeather story is taking up most of my writing time these days.**

**Jayfeather pwns the Warrior Series, not Typholius!**

"Excellent!" Jayfeather averted his eyes from the old medicine cat, its tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth. He had never really liked Goosefeather. "Now that you have all explained your array of mostly useless talents, I'll explain what I have in mind for the first part of the competition." He leapt from his tree stump towards the Yellowfang dog.

The other medicine cats were eyeing him warily. "Jayfeather, what are you doing?" mewed Cinderpelt, taking a worried step backwards.

He purred evilly. "The first part of the challenge is survival. Whoever lives the longest, wins!" He poked the big ugly gray dog until it opened its eyes, slipping behind it so he wouldn't be spotted. "Y'all might want to start running."

With a howl, Yellowfang leapt to its paws, eyeing the surrounding cats hungrily. With a series of excited barks, it lunged at the nearest cat, Leafpool.

"Jayfeather, are you mad?!" his mother snarled at him, turning tail and fleeing as Yellowfang pelted after her.

Jayfeather looked around in annoyance. All of the other medicine cats were running in different directions. It would be ages until the medicine dog caught them all. He thought about his dilemma, and an idea sprung into his mind. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

*pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop*

About half a dozen more Yellowfangs appeared, each heading in a different direction. They should be enough to give the medicine cats a hard time.

"No we're cooking with fire!" Jayfeather watched happily as one of the dogs pounced on Willowshine who had tried to hide behind a prickly bush, sinking its huge teeth deep into the pesky she cat. With a yowl, she tried to claw its eyes, but the dog just shook her until she went limp.

With a bark, the dog left the RiverClan cat on the ground and seeking out a new cat to chase and spotting Runningnose. Jayfeather padded up to his least favorite cat in the Clans. She was still alive, her breath coming in quick gasps.

"Jayfeather, you worthless piece of fox dung."

Jayfeather purred. "Roflmeow." He waved goodbye to her as her eyes closed and she slipped away. He turned his attention to the other cats running for their lives.

Runningnose was dribbling all over Yellowfang and she flung the sick cat into some bushes.

Goosefeather tried to climb up a starry tree in his attempt to escape, but one of the dog's dragged him back down by his tail. "Dewgongs!" The dog yanked him down and fur flew as it tore him apart, leaving bits of fur in the grass.

Cinderpelt and Mudfur were next, trying to hold back the tide of Yellowfang, but with a sneeze, Mudfur keeled over and died of green cough(lol I know, right?). Cinderpelt was quickly brought to a gristly end at the teeth and paws of the dogs.

One by one, the other medicine cats fell until all that Jayfeather could see left standing were Kestrelflight and Flametail, who stood side by side as the dogs closed in.

"What were your skills again?!" yowled Flametail to the WindClan tom, as the dogs padded closer, growling and revealing their long yellow teeth.

"I can give really good back rubs!" Kestrelflight yowled back, his eyes wide with panic. "Now that I think about it, giving back rubs probably wouldn't be very helpful right now!"

"You think?!"

One of the dogs leapt, knocking the WindClan cat off its paws, and Jayfeather prepared to see bits fly. There was a flash of light as Flametail's tail caught fire and he swung it at the attacking dog.

With a yelp, the Yellowfang dog backed off, eyes wide with terror, flames licking its muzzle and lighting in its fur. The smell of burning grumpy old she dog filled the air.

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. The dumb ShadowClan cat was ruining his fun. He figured if the dogs couldn't finish him the ginger cat off, he himself might have to get involved.

"Take that, Yellowfang! Howled Flametail, slashing his burning tail violently through the air, protecting himself and Kestrelflight from the dogs' attacks. "I never liked you anyway!"

One of the dogs crept up behind the blazing ShadowClan cat slowly and carefully, before slamming the unprepared Flametail to the ground. With a bark of triumph, it sank its teeth deep into the ShadowClan cat's neck, cutting off his scream of pain.

All that was left was Kestrelflight.

"All you have to do is survive for like ten seconds more and you win!" Jayfeather called to him. The competition was over, the WindClan cat had somehow won, but it would still be fun to see him get torn apart.

"How could you do this to me?" Kestrelflight howled, his wide terrified gaze meeting Jayfeather's. "I thought we could be-"

He was cut off as one of the charred dogs grabbed him and thrashed him violently onto the ground.

It was done. The dead StarClan cats had faded away, but Kestrelflight, Littlecloud, and Willowshine still lay where they had fallen.

*poot* *poot* *poot* *poot* *poot* *poot* *poot*

All of the Yellowfang dogs disappeared except for one, which padded towards Jayfeather, saliva dripping from its gaping mouth. Her eyes were still alight with the thrill of the hunt, but as she approached the gray cat, the light dimmed. She blinked, closing her mouth and pawing off the spit and blood that hung from her jaws. "Was that good enough?" she barked.

Jayfeather nodded vigorously. "That looked really realistic," he mewed padding over to the big dog. Of course he had planned out the whole event with Yellowfang the night before. "Very convincing."

There was a flap of wings overhead and he looked up, surprised.

"I can't believe you just did that, Jayfeather," snarled Featherwhisker, hovering a few tail lengths in the air. "You just killed off a bunch of StarClan's medicine cats!"

Jayfeather narrowed his eyes at the gender confused cat. He had completely forgotten that Featherwhisker could fly around, avoiding the attacks from the dogs. Kestrelflight hadn't won the competition at all. "The other medicine cats aren't all the way dead," he mewed back to the winged medicine cat. "Just mostly dead."

There was a series of pops.

"See look. Good as new."

All of the medicine cats appeared before him, looking like they had just been eaten by a twoleg monster, but still whole. The only cat Jayfeather couldn't account for was Mudfur. "Oh, that's right, he died of green cough. Nothing I can do for him."

Runningnose sneezed again, spraying stuff from his nose all over Goosefeather and Featherwhisker who were beside him. "Sorry, my bad."

**Review for more, but it will probably be a while until the next chapy comes out. Also, I would be very appreciative if you answered the poll question on my profile page. :P**

**TOODLES**


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